The term ‘lesbian bed death’ (LBD) is a phrase that is often used to describe the issue that some lesbians have in long term relationships when having less sex. The question on many lesbian’s lips is this phenomenon real?

Psychologists have debated whether LBD actually exists.  Coined by American Sociologist, Schwartz (1983), she argued that lesbians have less sex and intimacy than other couples.  Although her research was flawed, her theory hasn’t been disproved as yet.  One argument for LDB is the belief that men are more likely to initiate sex than females and that women are sexually inhibited.  So it is possible that if a lesbian has absorbed this heterosexist belief, they might find that they automatically fall into this role after the initial wonder and excitement of a relationship dies.

On the flip side, there are loads of lesbians out there who are in relationships and have an active, awesome sex life – perhaps they don’t talk about LBD because they are enjoying the best sex of their lives?

The issues of the frequency of sex, passion and intimacy can be very real for many couples.  Many lesbians seek counselling because they are having difficulty talking about sex with their partner, they are lacking the confidence to initiate sex, or they may not want to tell their partner know what they prefer because they don’t want to make their partner feel inadequate.  There are lots of reasons for this: lack of communication, previous breaches of trust, tiredness, stress, depression, routine and monotony, the arrival of a baby.

So here are a few tips to keep your love life alive and how to rescue a relationship from its death bed: communicate your needs, be kind, thoughtful, compassionate, respectful, and above all be playful!

Heidi Jansen is a Lesbian Mental Health Specialist & Counsellor, Centre for Human Potential